Here’s some pretty pictures from the wedding – cause obviously, that was the whole point.

And, yes, we did exchange ‘bling.’ And, no, it wasn’t Steve’s idea – it was mine and it was brilliant.

I don’t like wedding cake, so there was a brownie sundae bar. Which, I hear, was good. I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t really want any, but then I realized I had had like five 16-ounce pint glasses of margarita.

And, a pinata.

And dancing.

And there was more dancing, which resulted in the best picture of the night after Steve changed clothes and was wearing a headband, but apparently, he didn’t put that one on the facebook.

It was good times and fun and everything people told me wouldn’t work out beforehand did work out.

But, honestly, the whole thing made me feel more alone. Because, I can not be the only female on the planet who doesn’t enjoy the ‘ooooohhhh, are you like SOOOO excited’ and ‘just remember, it’s your special day’ and ‘you must be sooooo stressed out. well, just remember, there’s nothing you can do on that day, so whatever happens, I’m sure it’ll be MAGICAL’

OH MY GOD, are you so excited? Are you ready? I’m sure everything will come together. Don’t stress about it; you must be so stressed. Whatever happens, it’ll be a magical day, I’m sure it’ll all come together. You must be so excited. Do have enough cups? Where is everyone going to sit? It’ll be soooo nice. Don’t forget, it’s all about you guys. What should I wear? Do you think this dress is ok? What about this one? What are other people wearing? Ohhh, are you like soo stressed out? How do you feeeeeel?

Even just writing these sentences is making me make an angry face at my computer and want to go punch somebody.

So, the closer and closer we got to the wedding, the more and more I felt like a totally separate and unique species standing on an island by myself.

It’s not like I’ve never lived with girls and can’t participate in some good girl talk. I lived with four girls and we watched Sex and the City and facebook stalked boys and sat in the bathroom gossiping while one of us did her hair. And, it was all perfectly fun, but in an fun-ironic kind of way — no one takes Cosmo seriously or actually thinks Carrie is a role model. Right.

Right? Right???

Steve thought I was exaggerating, but I was with him a couple of times the subject of the wedding came up and this is what guys said to him, with no further questions and no weird baby voices:

- Really? That’s great, congratulations man.

- Oh, cool, when is it?

- Ho, did she break your leg. Guess you can’t get away now, huh, huh. Guess you can’t escape with a broken leg. Hah.

OK, that last one was also annoying. But, not one person went ‘oooooohhhhh, are you like sooooooo excited.’

And, the more this came up (people were actually banned from asking me questions at one point), the more it was like ‘oh, Kelly’s just so crazy, she just hates people.’ Which brings us back to the original point: I am apparently inhabiting a universe entirely by myself.

It’s like this one time I was wearing an empire-waist white blouse at this party and this middle-aged woman came up to me and rubbed my stomach and said, “Ohhh, when are you due?” And then she promptly realized she was a moron and started apologizing.

But, the thing is she thought I was mad because she was calling me fat or something, but that wasn’t why I was mad because 1. I’m not fat and 2. in the universe I inhabit – and of which I am becoming increasingly concerned I am the only inhabitant – it is NOT ok to rub a total stranger’s stomach under any circumstances unless maybe you’re performing CPR or something and even then, let’s not be creepy.

And, everyone I tell this story to thinks it’s funny. But, NO ONE thinks it’s appalling.

Steve wanted to videoblog my rambling rant with hand gestures earlier, but I broke our video camera like 6 months ago and the one I have for work is, eh, shit and anyway I’m really good talking on camera unless Steve is there, because then I just think he’s being all judgemental.

So, instead bullet points.

• YOU in no way contributed to the revolution in Egypt. Or Tunisia. Or anywhere. You have nothing to do with this. You are not a part of history. History is not unfolding in front of your eyes. In fact, you’re not even watching history. Or, rather you are, but only (not to totally parody the History Channel’s motto but) because history happens every day. All YOU are doing is watching people gather in a square on your TV far away.
• And your comments on facebook and twitter and whatever do nothing to add to the event, you are merely attempting to insert yourself in someone else’s moment. It’s like rubbernecking on the highway.
• In some ways the comments are exceptionally patronizing too: ohhhhh, goooood for the Egyptian people, they got themselves democracy. Aww. Let’s hope they do something gooood with it. Don’t you go spending all that in one place now.
• Because, let’s not kid ourselves, if it had taken longer than 18 days, we’d have stopped caring. We’d be out of this news cycle.
• You know what else happened? Southern Sudan became a new country. By actual vote. You know what else didn’t happen? Iran’s revolution last year, which was way more brutal and way more deserved. But, there weren’t so many TV cameras there. So, evidently, we only care about some of the people in that region.
• Because, again, if we’re not just trying to revel in our political right or wrongness in public forums so we can make condescending statements about events we have nothing to do with, we would acknowledge the role the military has played in this overthrowing of power. There is a reason he didn’t step down and then he did and it’s not because the protestors chanted louder. The military saw a power vacuum into which it has stepped. And maybe they’re simply positioning themselves to be the forerunners in any elections that occur, maybe not, but don’t kid yourself that 18 days of (relative) non-violence ended a 30-year regime.

I wish I had said this, but I didn’t: “Anyone else thinking it’s inevitable that the Egyptian flag headband is coming to a hipster near you?”

You don’t want to know about how busy and shitty this week has been — it’s not interesting, or rather the only part that was interesting was the part where I was yelled at for hating the Constitution, but that wasn’t even the shitty part. Just suffice it to say that other people cried; this week was rough.

The only point of that uninteresting story was that I had a couple really good blog posts in my head, but I have carpal tunnel again, a lack of focus and time, and overall exhaustion, so what is left is semi-mediocre blog posts.

Last week, I joined the company’s health initiative. Signing up saves you like $20/month on your insurance premium and I figured I wouldn’t have to do anything — that’s one advantage of being “active.” But, the problem is these things aren’t really intended for the actually athletic. They kept trying to encourage me to take the stairs, walk at least 20,000 steps a day, park farther from the door.

Uh, no.

I have no intention of taking the stairs or walking any farther than absolutely necessary. I intend to sit on my ass and watch TV as much as possible.

Then, this survey needed to tell me to focus on something to improve, so it became obsessed with my alcohol intake.

I had checked the 2-5 drinks per week box. That seemed reasonable; you go out for a drink with friends a couple times and maybe once a month or so you end up drinking a few beers, doing carbombs because it’s someone’s birthday, drinking some more beers and then challenging the ex-Minor League pitcher to a 5K, because by god you’re going to win at something and it is clearly not going to be ping-pong. Not that that happened like a week ago.

So, this health survey became obsessed with whether or not I was going to decrease my alcohol intake.

You should limit your alcohol intake to 0-1 drinks per day.

Apparently, math is not something we’re concerned about improving in our employees (though, on a related note to the first paragraph — it is certainly something they could use).

So, I intend to increase my alcohol intake to 7 drinks/week — per my health survey instructions.

Do you intend to lose weight? No.

Do you intend to decrease your blood pressure? No.

Do you intend to increase your amount of exercise? Not really.

Do you intend to decrease your alcohol intake? Definitely not now.

Thank you for participating, please come back and review your MyHealth Survey at anytime.