My Health

You don’t want to know about how busy and shitty this week has been — it’s not interesting, or rather the only part that was interesting was the part where I was yelled at for hating the Constitution, but that wasn’t even the shitty part. Just suffice it to say that other people cried; this week was rough.

The only point of that uninteresting story was that I had a couple really good blog posts in my head, but I have carpal tunnel again, a lack of focus and time, and overall exhaustion, so what is left is semi-mediocre blog posts.

Last week, I joined the company’s health initiative. Signing up saves you like $20/month on your insurance premium and I figured I wouldn’t have to do anything — that’s one advantage of being “active.” But, the problem is these things aren’t really intended for the actually athletic. They kept trying to encourage me to take the stairs, walk at least 20,000 steps a day, park farther from the door.

Uh, no.

I have no intention of taking the stairs or walking any farther than absolutely necessary. I intend to sit on my ass and watch TV as much as possible.

Then, this survey needed to tell me to focus on something to improve, so it became obsessed with my alcohol intake.

I had checked the 2-5 drinks per week box. That seemed reasonable; you go out for a drink with friends a couple times and maybe once a month or so you end up drinking a few beers, doing carbombs because it’s someone’s birthday, drinking some more beers and then challenging the ex-Minor League pitcher to a 5K, because by god you’re going to win at something and it is clearly not going to be ping-pong. Not that that happened like a week ago.

So, this health survey became obsessed with whether or not I was going to decrease my alcohol intake.

You should limit your alcohol intake to 0-1 drinks per day.

Apparently, math is not something we’re concerned about improving in our employees (though, on a related note to the first paragraph — it is certainly something they could use).

So, I intend to increase my alcohol intake to 7 drinks/week — per my health survey instructions.

Do you intend to lose weight? No.

Do you intend to decrease your blood pressure? No.

Do you intend to increase your amount of exercise? Not really.

Do you intend to decrease your alcohol intake? Definitely not now.

Thank you for participating, please come back and review your MyHealth Survey at anytime.

3 thoughts on “My Health

  1. my company has that too. it’s currently trying to get me to decrease my stress level.

    the best part was the last step was to go see a wellness coach. a wellness coach becomes one by paying about 300 bucks and taking a test. i ended up giving the guy advice on triathlons.

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