A Wedding Post

I once swore I could put on a wedding with three weeks and $1,000. And I could. Ceremony in the park. $175 to rent the clubhouse, hundred dollars worth of decorations (I wasn’t on the Homecoming Committee for three years for nothing; I can make a big room look like an enchanted evening with nothing but stuff from Party City), a margarita fountain — they’re surprisingly affordable, potluck and desserts. BAM. Done.

SO, I could. But I don’t want to.

What I want to do is punch the next person in the head who says we should save money by making our own namecards. Because if you think there will be namecards or that they will be of a variety that costs money at any wedding I’m involved in, then we’ve obviously never met. So, why are you giving a stranger advice?

What we want to do is have an awesome party.

Why would we have namecards? I know everyone and they can introduce themselves to each other — it’ll give them something to talk about. Fancy table seatings are weird. Ditto for seating charts. Why would we rehearse something that will be shorter than 15 minutes. Or have a dinner at that rehearsal that will never happen. We’ve managed to kill every plant that has ever been given to us through apathy, including a cactus, so why would I start caring about flower arrangements now? Catering? Do they cater burritos? No. I am a dessert aficionado and wedding cake is pretty and awful — pretty awful. Three words: brownie sundae bar. Three other, unrelated words: margarita fountain, and: pinanta. Steve firmly believes he is better than every DJ in existence and has already made a mix. And a beer selection list. So.

No, we will not go to a church for the first time ever that day. No, it will not involve bikes (tacky). No, I do not want to look like a fairytale princess. I just want to look really hot. I can’t remember what other things won’t be included, but if you read it in a fucking wedding magazine, then chances are it won’t be included.

Oh yeah, and no, it won’t cost a lot of money.

(You want to be depressed, google ‘budget wedding ideas.’ It’s a messed up industry that has convinced people $10,000 is a budget party. I have put on events – big events – and I know how to run through a to-do list, and I could put on an awesome party – that had nothing to do with budgeting – for $10,000.)

Now, if only everyone else would get onboard. And rent us somewhere to fit all these people for this awesome party for no money.

In all these wedding magazines and wedding websites and wedding blogs, everyone goes on and on about how their wedding is a special, totally unique reflection of them and they just wanted it to reflect them. Right, because you all just happen to be attractive, color-coordinated hipsters with matching themes.

Well, if there was a way this was going to turn out that reflected Steve and I it would pretty much be the way it has:

– He made a mix on his computer and a beer selection list.

– I made an excel spreadsheet of possible locations and emailed them. (I hate calling people.) Many of them emailed back and did not work out, some did not even email back.

– I gave Steve numbers to call and questions to ask. Most of those didn’t work out either.

– Then, I got frustrated and went back to watching TV and doing work. Steve continues to throw out ideas for his mix tape and what types of shuttles/mini-van the college kids are going to drive.

– I told him we needed a deadline and if he wasn’t going to take the initiative finding somewhere, then fine, I guess it just wasn’t going to happen.

– He said he would make calls if I told him where to call, and fine, I guess it just isn’t going to happen.

– Fine.

– Fine.

And, now we are at an impasse. And that is a beautiful, unique reflection of our wonderful life together. All we need is vintage-y looking pictures of us on our laptops in the living room and we can call them engagement photos.

7 thoughts on “A Wedding Post

  1. You are smart. If I had the chance to do it all over again. All my friends had weddings in Chicago, and they cost $75 million dollars, so I figured I had to do all the expensive stuff. What a waste. I had to do the church thing too, which I don’t do… ever either.

    That was back in the day I believed in the American dream. You know hard work pays off. Little did I know that was fake. The marriage has been good, and easy though. 🙂 We did have fun at the reception too, but did I really need an open bar, one week before I closed on our house, that today probably is worth less than when I bought it??

  2. You have the right idea, for sure. We got married on a beach in Mendocino with 2 friends in attendance and our dogs, then went out for a nice dinner. 2 weeks later (we traveled in between), we threw a party on the patio of a local restaurant – heavy appetizers + open bar – no nametags, no fancy decor, no DJ – and everyone said it was the best party ever. I got to eat the food, talk to all my friend and dance. Then we went to the pub next door after we shut the restaurant down. My parents might not have liked it much but WE were happy with it.

  3. I am going to say that the music and the beer selection do have a direct effect on the awesomeness of the party… though unless there’s an actual place to have this party (with the 15 minute “event’ at the beginning) we’ll be sitting around the condo pool listening to the mix and breaking condo rules by drinking at the pool.

    Also, I love the idea of people looking at wedding magazines and websites to get their totally unique reflection of themselves. uhmmm….

    You guys make a lovely impasse.

  4. This impasse truly doesn’t surprise me. I never thought for one minute that you would have a fussy, everything matching kind of wedding. You’re Kelly – you have always done things your way – you’re an original. But no matter how original this awesome party will be – it does need a location. And, btw, I heard through the grapevine that this “non-event” would happen sometime in November – true? I’m really excited to come out to CA to witness this “party” – so come on, pick a place. Your Mom & Dad got married in a park – isn’t there a park in Marin? You really don’t want your Grandmother to come out there to “help”, do you?!!!!!

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